The Mixmag alternative awards 2014

Bored of the usual end-of-year polls? So are we, so we thought we'd whip up an alternative take on the year, tongues placed firmly in cheeks.

So here are the winners and losers, risers and fallers. We're sure you'll agree, it's been an eventful year on the scene...

Best press shot: Steven Gerrard

What does an England footballer do when it's time to say goodbye to the hallowed turf? Become a DJ, of course. And luckily for Gerrard – or DJ Stevie G if his career eventually takes off – he's got the right PR team onboard to help him get into the spotlight. Just look at this soon-to-be seminal photo of dance music culture's latest messiah; it oozes class, speaks volumes and shows Stevie totally at ease and ready to party. See him lugging a Bozak into your local Liquid sometime soon.

Most fun festival on a pinger: Dekmantel

Despite being only in its second year, Amsterdam's Dekmantel blew most other three-day events out of the water. There's nothing not to like. A medium-sized site that encompasses head-spinning visuals on the main stage, a cavernous tent for the likes of Klock and Rødhåd to unload and a wooded area that resembled something out of A Midsummer Night's Dream, albeit with more people gurning and fist pumping. It was this wooded area that housed people like DJ Harvey and Motor City Drum Ensemble but the best balls-to-the-floor pinger moments came courtesy of Three Chairs. The DJ super-squad played for six hours and with the sun shining through the trees and onto your face, words just didn't do it justice. One of the most magical and messy weekends this year, roll on 2015.

Troll of the year: Paris Hilton

Is she doing it because she loves the music? Is she doing it because she loves the attention? Is she doing it because she's bored and it's quite a fun way to earn some extra pea? These were all questions asked of Paris Hilton as she took her DJ career to the next level in 2014. She's now got her own party brand, gets paid very, very well and plays all over the world, much to the chagrin of 99 per cent of the scene. She pays no heed, pirouetting sweetly and kitting her home studio out with gleaming Native Instruments gear

Outstanding contribution to 2014: Sven Väth

A lot of DJs have smashed the fuck out of 2014 and some have had their biggest year yet but when it comes to the Outstanding Contribution award, there was only ever going to be one winner. The Papa, the king, our master, our leader. Sven Väth turned 50 this year. Yes, 50. The techno titan has been dropping bombs for nearly three decades now and his label and night Cocoon has been at the height of the game since it started. This year in particular the bald-beatsmith hit the half-century milestone in style. Over-the-top, mind-bending partying for the masses in Mannheim for an extra special edition of Time Warp. The outrageous birthday bash saw 15,000 people make the pilgrimage. He played six hours but that felt like two minutes when you were dancing in the middle of the most visually astounding and musically on-point night of 2014. Happy birthday Papa, we love you.

Heavyweight diss: Seth Troxler

Seth took his gloves off and went in bare knuckle when he called Avicii a cunt and Steve Aoki an "overpaid, untalented, cake-throwing, performing monkey" in a thinkpiece earlier this year. The boy swung hard and came out without a bruise as his opponents failed to make much of a major comeback. Too easy, really. The Trox reigns supreme going into '15.

Best b2b partnership: Ben Klock & Marcel Dettmann

2014 has truly been the year of the back-to-back. One pair that have consistently impressed are German Berghain brothers Marcel Dettmann and Ben Klock. They may have formed their friendship years ago but this year they took their uncompromising partnership to the main stage. There were sets at Exit, Awakenings and Glastonbury, where they can be pictured braving the mud together and having a merry old time. Their chemistry is undeniable and they've served up some of the most memorable marathons of the year. We experienced both an eight hour set at Trouw and a ten and half hour stint at Fabric's birthday in 2014. Both sets combined intelligent mixing with unparalleled song selection and left us feeling sweaty and punished (in a good way). Thanks for everything guys.

Biggest LOL moment: We spent the day testing out the world's first E-Joint

As e-cigarettes took over this year, people started puffing indoors. But the game-changer was the e-joint. Naturally the liberal bunch at Mixmag wanted to see what these electronic zoots were all about so we became some of the first people in the world to test them. We spent the afternoon heinously puffing on the things and taking ridiculous photos around the office. Three hours of intense toking left us with nothing but intermittent headaches and occasional giggles. At least we laughed a lot and got to sit in the boardroom with our feet up while our emails were on stand-by.

Worst banter: Deadmau5

Joel, we love you, we really do. You're intelligent, have a sense of humour and can kick out some serious jams when you want to. But that mouth of yours is rotten to the core! And the way you speak to women is atrocious! You know we're right, because you've had to take time of social media this year. But it's obvious that you just can't help dishing out the dirt. You've lost your invitation to Christmas dinner but if you clean up your act next year, we might be able share some sprouts.