The Secret DJ details how their first ever night in Ibiza was almost their last

Tour Manager was going apeshit in the car. Gesticulating madly and leaping up and down as if on fire. Now, we may be mainly nocturnal but it’s not like we combust when the sun comes up. Maybe he was just happy. He kept pointing and gurning like a seated man raving. I should have been able to hear the car’s stereo, but it was silent. The idiot was just a few feet away from death. Jesus! It dawned on me, if you’ll excuse the pun, that if he got out quickly without looking, he would probably fall.

I started screaming for him to stay where he was. Not to move. He seemed to be mocking me, making ‘don’t move’ gestures every time I did. Then I started to use sign language for him to come towards me. Again, he copied me. Silly arse.

We did this for about 10 minutes. Or three hours. Hard to tell in that state.

Then I had the bright idea of making hand gestures to wind the window down. We were only a few hundred yards apart, but miming through glass. I made the ‘wind-wind’ gesticulation and eventually he clocked it.

“DON’T FUCKING MOVE YOU MORON YOU ARE INCHES AWAY FROM DEATH!” …we both yelled at one another, simultaneously. I gingerly looked round and saw that my heels were on the edge of another cliff. We had spent the night, or possibly a few minutes, doing car stunts in the pitch black … oh did I mention he’d turned the headlights off for a laugh, too? Yeah, doing blind doughnuts on a peninsula of land only about 200 meters wide with a sheer drop on nearly every side. We’d both stopped our separate flounderings on the edges of opposite sides of it.

When the air cleared further we found another feature, too: a load of houses and a small hotel overlooking it with about a hundred people all staring in disbelief at the two simpletons on the cliff edge. The worst Knight Riders in the world with the least well equipped KITT in existence.

Quick as a flash, T-Man strode towards them, gave a hugely theatrical bow and we got a light, nervous round of applause.

There was no possible way anyone could do that accidentally, is there? Who could be that stupid and still manage to be alive?

This feature appeared in the June 2017 issue of Mixmag