Why farting on the dancefloor should be banned in clubs

The dancefloor is a sacred place – we all know that. A spot reserved for meaningful connections and experiences that not only stay with you, but shape who you are as a person. You may meet the love of your life on the dancefloor or you may just absolutely love hearing electronic music on a big system, either way, dancefloors can and should be beautiful places.

It’s a place to release your inhibitions and worries, it is not however a place to release wind. Farting on the dancefloor is one of the most abhorrent things present in today’s music scene. A guff in the rave is up there with stealing sweets from children and talking shit behind your best mate’s back. You just don’t do it.

It’s not only an attack on the senses, it’s a violation of personal space, an unwarranted crime, undefendable by any means other than something stuffed up your nose, and that’s not really going to happen at a party is it?

We’ve all been there, you’re having an absolute ball with your mates, the dancefloor is busy and and the tunes are lively.

Then, it happens.

And it’s not all of a sudden either, there are stages to this heinous experience. At first, you smell something, it’s not completely awful yet but by this point, you know what’s coming.

That thing you smell begins to ferment, it starts to build and after about five seconds, it’s there. The smell is unholy, it lingers in the perspiration-filled air and it keeps on getting worse and worse.

By the time it’s a fully-fledged pong, your vibe is dead. You’re holding your nose in disbelief, you’ve stopped dancing and yes, you’ve spotted someone crying, screaming “why? WHY?!” Short of moving to find a new spot, there’s nothing you can really do to combat The Fart. In fact, if you do move, it looks like you’re the culprit. You’re fucked either way.

It’s almost the perfect crime too. Unless you’re there howling with laughter like some crazed sociopath who revels in the carnage they’ve caused, you can get away with it with no repercussion.It’s not as if you can pinpoint the location through sound because there’s a stack of Funktion Ones in front of you. You just hold your nose like everyone else and soak up the offense you’ve caused everyone in a 10-foot radius.

We recall a particularly bad one at Corsica Studios in Room One a few years ago (yes a few years ago, it really was that heinous). We love Corsica Studios but when it’s busy, it’s really, really busy and you never want to add a trump into the equation. It was Move D rolling out dreamy soundscapes when someone rolled out a track of their own, except it was the stinker to counter the majesty of David Moufang. A circle in the middle of the dancefloor formed to escape the whiff and people looked genuinely disappointed. It took about 10 minutes for normality to resume.

This may read as a guide on how to fart on the dancefloor but let us tell you, it’s not, it’s 100 per cent not. We believe that there should be a “see it, smell it, spot it” policy enforced on dancefloors. If you’re caught in the act, if you’re the person who’s intentionally caused upset to your fellow raver, then you should be evicted or at least escorted to the toilet where you can think about your actions while getting rid of any unwanted excess.

There is hope if you’re a culprit of the rave guff though. You can get better, you can improve and you can change. If you find yourself ready and willing to drop one, think again, think about what damage you’re causing the the people next to you and the vibe of the night. Go to the loo and drop it, go to the smoking area and drop it, hell, drop it anywhere but where people are getting down.

Get into the habit of thinking of the dancefloor as a no-fart space, really train your mind (and bowels). If you’re a serial offender, talk to someone, talk to a mate and tell them to keep an eye on you. Think of them as a spotter. If they catch you doing it, they’ll out you and then you can deal with the public shaming.

You wouldn’t fart at work, you wouldn’t fart in a library and you wouldn’t fart in a doctor’s surgery waiting room (these are all places you shouldn’t be farting and if you are then shame on you, you dodgy bastard). Why then is it OK to do it in a room full of people where the air-cons a bit dodgy and 80 percent of people are intoxicated on substances that quite literally, enhance the senses.

Scientifically though, there aren’t many, if any, detailed studies into why flatulence is increased when you’re intoxicated or why that these farts smell considerably worse than normal. We asked Dr Adam Winstock from the Global Drugs Survey if he could shine any light on the matter and he couldn’t enlighten us. An intense google search doesn’t show up much either, only mountains of user forums where they discuss their druggy fart stories, oh and Urban Dictionary’s description of ‘Coke Fart’ which says:

“Once you start putting cocaine into your body, it just wants to shit. Prior to the shit, you begin to fart off the log, which makes the farts stink especially bad.”

This is a plea, we’re reaching out to you here and we’re doing with it the best intentions. Please don’t fart on the dancefloor, it’s gross and it says a lot about you as a person if you think it’s acceptable. If you do it, and we spot you, we’re going to report you to the bouncer. No-one likes a grass we know, but no-one likes an air biscuit in a club either.

You’ve been warned.

Funster is Mixmag's Digital Editor, he will call you out on any dancefloor if he catches you dropping moody smells while he's dancing, follow him on Twitter