Midnight request line: the Secret DJ shares tales of 'booth wankers'

“HEY! HEY DUDE, GREAT SOUNDS! Have you got that one that goes UMPHT UMPHTT, WAKKA-WIK. HRFT HRFT. DANK-DANK?”

Does anyone really say “sounds”? Is he kidding? No he’s not kidding. Thing is, I know exactly which tune he means. DJs understand this gibberish, just as a dentist can understand what you’re trying to say even when they have both hands shoved wrist-deep in your numb mouth. Over the years we develop a weird ability to decipher the ridiculous noises people make when requesting. I nod and smile. Engage. Sometimes that’s all they want: for the crowd to see them talking to you. The request is just something to say to get them into the booth. So be a pro and deal with it.

That doesn’t mean nightmares don’t happen. One girl used to get up in my face every time I played in my home town. When I was there visiting my folks I happened to spot her while out shopping and saw she worked in a high-end ladies clothes boutique. Every cell in my body wanted to kick the doors of the shop in, jump the counter and shout at the top of my lungs, right in her ear:

“EXCUSE ME – DO YOU HAVE ANY 1980s MILITARY UNIFORMS? I NEED A LIEUTENANT’S BLUES WITH AIGUILLETTES IN GOLD. NO? WHAT ABOUT FLIPPERS? GOT ANY FLIPPERS? NO!? SERIOUSLY!? WHAT ABOUT SNORKELS? I MEAN IF YOU DON’T HAVE FLIPPERS YOU MUST HAVE SNORKELS!? NO? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? IF YOU DON’T, THEN I’LL LEAVE AND SO WILL ALL THE OTHER CUSTOMERS. NO ONE HERE LIKES YOUR SHIT DRESSES. HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, LET ME LOOK IN YOUR STOCKROOM AND SEE IF THERE’S SOMETHING I LIKE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘NO’? YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB, THEN. I’M LEAVING!”

That guy in the booth was a saint compared to most. I even played the tune for him. Yeah, even did the job I am paid for. Some days it all comes together. Even the intruders are easy. And anyway, without the party you’re just an unplugged flesh jukebox shouting into an empty room.