Features
DJ Body Language
How to tell what DJs are thinking
The perfect drop cum face
No matter how enthusiastic a DJ is, when that tricky mix comes together like sheer sonic nirvana, it's not considered good form for them to punch the air, start chanting their own name and miming a crown on their head. Look out instead, then, for the slightly disconcerting sex face of a satisfied artist, occasionally accompanied by a discharge of various bodily fluids.
The 1000-yard disillusioned stare
Here's someone who's reached peak DJ. They've played in every country in the world, twice, and have as much love for the art of electronic music as George Osborne has for the welfare state. Look closely and you'll see them staring into the middle distance as they flawlessly mix a tune in with about 10 per cent of their brain, imagining a better life on a sandy beach somewhere, far, far away from sweaty gurners, gak-breathed promoters and the constant pounding of a kick-drum that seems to soundtrack their every waking minute.
The 'cold shoulder as you overrun your set time'
DJing is great, isn't it? So great that no set is ever, ever, long enough. Well, a greedy DJ can add one last, last, last tune to their set by blocking rivals who try to plug their head-phones into the mixer with 'the cold shoulder'. It's best accompanied by a vacant nod of affable incomprehension, as though they're the victim of a head injury that has robbed them of the concept of time. And manners.
The 'of course I'll play your request' grimace
"Hey, sure I'll play the 17 requests that you've typed into your phone and are now shoving in my face!" says that big, fat, fake smile deployed in order to get people to shut the fuck up and fuck the fuck off.
The polite clap for the earnest but shit local DJ
It's 1am in the main room on a Friday night and the resident has just finished the warm-up to your underground techno set by playing '187 Lockdown'. As the resident steps away from the mixer, throwing gun fingers and beads of sweat all over the place, the headliner takes the controls, quickly fades the music out and makes an effort to clap politely, heart, and eyes, heavy with scorn.
The clanging mix furrowed brow
They're playing two records completely out of time but it's OK: the Grand Canyon-sized concentration marks across the forehead mean that things will be in sync in just a moment…Alright, they're fooling no-one, but at least they're trying. Really, really, trying.
The 'searching for the promoter' look
DJs of a certain pedigree have managers, agents and general industry lackeys to look after fine details like getting paid, getting pissed and getting some sleep when a night is all wrapped up. However, those on the lower rungs have to do these things themselves, resulting in moments of sheer panic five minutes from the end of their set when they realise the promoter has done one out the back door, leaving them stranded and penniless.
The skipping vinyl 'blame the tools'
Real DJs use vinyl. Real DJs would never let a record get scratched or scuffed. Real DJs take one step back from the decks and pull off a massive, highly visible shrug when their prized Underground Resistance 12" skips all over the place, causing the music to come to a juddering halt mid-set. Real DJs should always bring their own needles and never rely on the headshells at the venue that haven't been serviced since 1902. Because no-one is buying your attempt to blame it on a mini earthquake.
