A play-by-play guide to how bad We Are Your Friends is

Human Traffic, Berlin Calling and even Kevin & Perry Go Large are all fantastic and acclaimed dance music movies that typify their respective generations at the time of being made. As a raver, what's not to love about seeing what you do week in, week out, laid out for you on the big screen in an endearing, funny and thoughtful way?

More recently Eden has been garnering praise for its well-shot, beautifully-scored, coming-of-age tale with dance music at the centre of it. But what about the EDM kids? Where is their glowing take on the scene that's exploded all over the world? Well, it's arrived in the form of We Are Your Friends and we don't blame the majority of dance music fans for being pretty dubious about it. In fact, we were eager to go and check it out to see just how shit it was.

Directed by Max Joseph of Catfish fame, the film (set for release on August 28) tells the story of Cole Carter, played by sickly-sweet Zac Efron, and his struggles to make it as a big-time DJ. He's pitted as a promoter alongside his friends Ollie, Squirrel and Mason, desperately trying to work his way up the ranks. After meeting superstar DJ James Reed, played by Wes Bentley, they strike up a friendship and from there Carter goes to loads of jaw-dropping parties that overflow with drugs and booze and becomes a massive DJ. The end.

It's not that simple but that's pretty much the gist of it. Going into the film we knew it wasn't going to be ground-breaking but there were some glaring loopholes and general quotes we picked up on that made us laugh out loud for all the wrong reasons. We're a dance music publication, so let's break it down and focus on the dance music. Spoilers ahead.

One of the first things that makes us laugh is Zac Efron's opening gambit in which he begins to explain what it takes to be a DJ. Maybe this is telling of the average EDM DJ but come on, really?

"All you need is a laptop, some talent and one track. That track is your ticket to everything."

If you want to specialise in creating lowest-common denominator dance music or, as our boy Troxler called it, "sonic ear rape", then this rings true but seriously, that's not what makes a good DJ. Seeing as the basis of the movie surrounds this quote, we're not off to a good start are we?

As the group of likely lads turn up to the night they've been promoting, we're treated to some high-octane scenes and of course they're soundtracked by abrasive, squitty EDM that induces high levels of nausea. Dillon Francis makes a brief and completely unnecessary cameo where he plays to an empty Room Two before Efron's character jumps on deck, but at least there's a famous DJ in there within the first 15 minutes right?!

James Reed headlining the Main Room is equally unsettling. Where did these actors learn to dance because it certainly wasn't in a nightclub. His uncomfortably awkward moves behind the decks are followed by him fanning the crowd with a vinyl record. At least the record's being used as a prop because he sure as hell isn't mixing with it.

Reed and Carter make their first encounter outside a club and then Reed invites Cole to an afterparty. In the car on the way there, Reed reels off a list of countries and cities he's taken his EDM usb sticks to. An impressive list including Berlin, London, Mallorca, Dubai and Paris follows, as well as comments on how the French capital has a "really good scene right now". Thank god, at least he's aware of the techno and bass music that labels like Bromance, Sound Pellegrino and ClekClekBoom are pushing at the moment. Oh, he didn't mean that?

Aside from tracks like 'Pushin' On' by Oliver $ and 'I Think I Like It' by Fake Blood, the soundtrack is strictly EDM. If that's what you're into then great, you'll love Will Sparks heinous banger 'Ah Yeah So What', but as you can judge for yourself, it's not the one at all.

The first time we get to see Efron unleash his crowdpleasers is at the pool party thrown by Reed at his lavish, stereotypical DJ villa and we can't wait to see what skills he's bringing to the table. It's not actually that far off. It's fairly accurate in terms of the skills you'd need to pull off a mix, the only problem is we don't see enough of it.

He adjusts the jog wheel, it cuts to his love interest Sophie, played by Emily Ratajkowski. He applies the filter, back to Ratajkowski. He expertly adjusts the bass in time with the music – wait, now it's just zoomed in on her chest. He mixes it to the drop – ok now it's literally just Ratajkowski jiggling in time to the music. And that's what the main female character of the film is reduced to.

This mixing scene is the result of the expert tuition that Alesso gives Efron's character in the carefully timed promo video leading up to the film's release and these skills are left seemingly redundant. At least they crammed in another cameo, right?

Note Alesso's opening line of the video below, "It's a lot of things to think about to become a DJ." Slightly contradictory of the whole "laptop, one track and a bit of talent" quote, no?

Now what dance music film would be complete without drugs? With what can only be described as a Molly epidemic sweeping the USA and with causalities at almost every major stateside festival because of the lack of drugs education, we were interested to see how the film tackled this issue.

There are three main scenes in the movie that feature drugs. The first is at a party that Reed and Cole go to and the pair of rockstars trip out on PCP. The screen is awash with colour and fruity visuals. It's actually quite a good scene, aesthetically pleasing and a nice break from the storyline of the film. If anything it makes you want to get involved and get a bit stupid with it.

The second is one of the film's set pieces featuring Efron and Ratajkowski as they attend EDC in Las Vegas. A touchy subject seeing as one person died of an overdose at the festival and over 400 medical phonecalls were made to the authorities over the three day event.

Ratajkowski pops what looks like a pill on Efron's tongue and from there they have the greatest night of their lives. They proceed to run gleefully around the festival before breaking out and continuing to run around Las Vegas. Running through the casinos, running round the streets, running fucking everywhere.

Hang about. If you'd just taken a whole pill at a music festival where nose-bleed EDM was being churned out at every possible juncture we're not sure you'd be running around. You'd be sweating, gurning, gasping for water and not wanting to leave the dancefloor. Instead, the two heartthrobs don't have a hair out of place and are seemingly untouched by the drugs. Must have been shit beans or they're used to popping Molly like aspirin. The below is far more accurate. Big up Human Traffic.

The last drugs scene is at another house party that Carter and his gang throw at their new house. This is a darker, more edgy take on it. Again pills and Molly are being passed round like nobody's business and although one character, Squirrel, appears to have a problem on the night, the party continues.

When they wake up, they find Squirrel dead next to them having suffered an overdose. The film cuts to the funeral and then moves on. Although it may be brief and lacking heart, it does well to highlight the dangers of drug use and if the 18 year-olds going to raves for the first time watch this film, then it's an extreme message that's hammered home. Perhaps some footage showing the friends helping their sick mate or identifying a possible overdose would also be helpful?

There's a few absolute corkers in this film. We found ourselves laughing a few times (although we were the only ones). For instance, at the pool party Carter goes on a long speech about how to DJ. It's hilarious. Talking about BPMs, heart-rates and going through the genres. All this bullshit about starting slow and building up, which in theory is correct but if you're blasting out EDM then all subtlety goes out the window mate.

"128 synergises most with the heartbeat, that's your magic number" Oh really does it? Sweet I'll just jack up my tracks to just short of 130 and that'll really get the crowd going. Maybe if you're dropping electro but he's talking about 'house' so that provided a laugh.

A telling quote also came when the guys walk into the first club and the management say "Do not play any of the tracks on this list". It wouldn't surprise us if that's how the big dogs get down.

"Please don't play this Blasterjaxx remix of Lil Wayne and Steve Aoki as it's timed with our pyrotechnics and Mr Aoki has prepared a cake for it". You don't see Garnier or Jeff Mills handing over a do-not play list. Shockingly they don't feature in the film about becoming a successful DJ.

"Don't bro me if you don't know me" and "if they look like you invite them all" are particularly chauvinistic lines but our favourite dodgy line comes in the form of a howler from James Reed.

When Efron plays a snippet of his track to Reed, the big time and clearly extremely 'knowledgable' DJ quips " that there sounds like early Juan Atkins".

We shit you not the track in question sounds almost exactly like this.

Sorry Juan, you don't deserve to be named in this pile of shit. We suggest you get your legal teams fired up because that's straight slander.

Yes it's nearly over but not without pissing us off a little bit more with some glaring loopholes. Throughout the movie Carter is trying to create his killer track, his piece de resistance, the cut that's going to make him a star.

He sets about making it as different as possible by recording a heap of soundbites from everyday life. A zip unzipping, a coin spinning, the sounds of electricity overhead, a nail gun. All of these are used in "Carter's Killer Track" and as the end of the movie approaches we wonder where it will all fit into place.

Carter finally gets his shot at the big open air festival at the end (meant to be HARD fest) and we're expecting a mammoth DJ set from him to close the film. Wait, he's not using the decks? Oh no, he's magicked a live set out of thin air. Midi keyboards, drum machines, live mixing. Where the fuck did that come from? He's spent the whole movie talking about DJing and now he's pulled a live set out of his fucking arse.

So he plays his "killer track" for about 3 minutes, the crowd goes bananas and that's it. What about the rest of the set? Did he only play one tune? Did he move onto the CDJs once he'd completed his perfectly executed live set? He might have just riffed for an hour with zips and coins. The point is we have no idea what happened that day, only that he smashed it.

We've been pretty cutting here but the point is If you want a gooey, mildly-entertaining, very occasionally funny American movie to watch, you might enjoy it. If you like EDM, you'll probably find something to take from it. But if you're sceptical about a film surrounding the, on the whole, bullshit phenomenon, then you'll hate it.

The music is pretty crap, the acting is stale and the idea that this rockstar lifestyle of girls, drinking, money, parties and drugs is a) easily attainable and b) the most glamorous thing on earth, is rubbish. It takes more than a laptop and a bit of talent to be a good DJ, one that's respected, genuinely talented and passionate about their craft. Unfortunately this film doesn't promote that and it certainly doesn't promote good music.